Father’s day Jokes

 

Father’s day Jokes

 

Religious Jokes For Father’s Day

Thanks Giving Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.” “Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

The Census Taker Five years old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?” “Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

Under Five A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”

What Time Is It It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. The father had his watch in his hand. “Young man,” he said, “do you know what time it is?” “Y-y-yes sir,” stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out into the hall; “I–I was just going to leave!” After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl and said in astonishment: “What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and I simply wanted to know the time.”

Car Issue A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.” After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father, if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samsom had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!”, to which is father replied, “Yes, you’re right, and they also WALKED every where they went!”

 

 

 The Joke’s news of the day.

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Want to give your dad something funny for Father’s Day? Why not tell him a joke. Here are 20 great jokes about dads sent in by Boys’ Lifereaders.

Like them? Tell us your favorite in the comment section below.

Jon: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?  
Tom: What?
Jon: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.

– Submitted by Jon W., Stroudsburg, Pa.

Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

– Submitted by Mike I., Midland, Mich.

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

– Submitted by Tyler H., Blacklick, Ohio

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.

After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said.  “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

– Submitted by Mark Y., Glendora, Calif.

Father's Day JokesA small boy was at the zoo with his father.  They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“ …Which bus would I take home?”

– Submitted by Gholson D. G., Gaithersburg, Md.

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!

– Submitted by Michael H., Canton, Ohio

Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

– Submitted by Jonathan W., Stroudsburg, Pa.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

– Submitted by Daniel C., Urbana, Ill.

A book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.

– Submitted by Aaron and Andrew M., Redondo Beach, Calif.

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah?  When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

– Submitted by Robby S., Putnam Valley, N.Y.

Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?
Westy: Beats me.
Pee Wee: A POPsicle!

– Submitted by Philip K., Marshalltown, Iowa

Pee Wee: How is the baby bird like its dad?
Westy: How?
Pee Wee: It’s a chirp off the old block.

– Submitted by David D., Guyton, Ga.

Dad: How do you like fourth grade?
Son: It isn’t much fun.
Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life!

– Submitted by Luke A., Tucson, Ariz.

Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?
Dad: No.
Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!

– Submitted by Steven F. II, Naperville, Ill.

Jacob: I have a lot of my dad’s genes.
Dave: Really? I bet they don’t fit.

– Submitted by David B., North Muskegon, Mich.

Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

– Submitted by Matt A., Bellevue, Neb.

Dan: I made a bad mistake today and gave my dad some soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
Jan: Was he mad?
Dan: Yup. He was foaming at the mouth!

– Submitted by Daniel R., Dickinson, Tex.

Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday?
Theo: I love it!
Manny: Why?
Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!

– Submitted by Alvin F., Union City, Calif.

Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders.
Tiger Cub: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!

– Submitted by Ken R., Sparta, Mich.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

– Submitted by Jacob P., Orem, Utah

 

 

 

Printable Jokes for Father’s Day

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, “Daddy, you’re the boss, aren’t you?” Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued “That’s because Mummy put you in charge, right?”

“Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?”
“But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already!”
“Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”

What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
Spook when you’re spooken to!

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!

What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?
Mum and Dad!

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!

My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it’s always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!

Do fathers always snore?
No – only when they are asleep!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad – I’m stuck!

 

 

Father’s Day Quotes and Jokes to Make You Smile

June 20, 2010 09:14 AM EDT

Today is Father’s Day once again. The time to reflect on how you Father has shaped your life, to appreciate his wisdom and to (hopefully) enjoy his company. I have compiled some Father’s Day jokes and quotes for you to ponder on this special day. Add one or two to the card you will be signing for Dad, or spout off a few over dinner.

I compiled this list as a way of remembering my own Daddy, who passed away in 2008 at the ripe old age of 84. He was what you would call a “curmudgeon”. I miss him dearly.

Jokes are Bold, while quotes are in Italics.

Enjoy!
I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

If you think about it, Jesus had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~Red Buttons

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost.

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Aaron, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

The greatest gift I ever had Came from God; I call him Dad!
~Author Unknown

If fathers have Father’s Day, and mothers have Mother’s Day, what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

“Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?”
“But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already!”
“Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller

One day Joe’s mother turned to Joe’s father and said,” It’s such a nice day, I think I’ll take Joe to the zoo.”
“I wouldn’t bother,” said father. “If they want him, let them come and get him!”

Dad, you’re someone to look up to no matter how tall I’ve grown. ~Author Unknown

“Mom, can I please change my name right now?” asked Ben.
“But why would you want to do that, dear ?” said his mum.
“Coz Dad said he’s going to spank me as sure as my name’s Benjamin !”

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. ~Bill Cosby

Father! – to God himself we cannot give a holier name. ~William Wordsworth

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather’s lap as he read her a story. From time to time, she would take her eye’s off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke, “Granddaddy, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh she said,” then “Granddaddy, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed honey” he assured her. “God made you just a little while ago.”
“Oh” she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it now isn’t he?”

Henry James once defined life as that predicament which precedes
death, and certainly nobody owes you a debt of honor or gratitude for
getting him into that predicament. But a child does owe his father a
debt, if Dad, having gotten him into this peck of trouble, takes off his
coat and buckles down to the job of showing his son how best to crash
through it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is
a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!
~Lydia M. Child, Philothea: A Romance, 1836

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.
~Johann Schiller

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. ~Author Unknown

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I
was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. ~Mark Twain,
“Old Times on the Mississippi” Atlantic Monthly, 1874

Dad, you’re someone to look up to no matter how tall I’ve grown.
~Author Unknown

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my
mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old
son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and
she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first,
then the dog.

There’s something like a line of gold thread running through a

man’s words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years

it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave

into a cloth that feels like love itself. ~John Gregory Brown,
Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 199

Are we not like two volumes of one book? ~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore
Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever. ~Author Unknown

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway

 

 

Dad holds a special place in our hearts, and on Father’s Day, he deserves the best! Pass our funniest fatherhood submissions on to a dad in your life and share the priceless gift of laughter!

The Right Choice My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.

Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.

“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’” – Submitted by Anne Carlson

Thanks for the Soda, Pop! Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely. – Submitted by Charlotte G. Alexander

Say What, Dad? Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:

“Can you turn up that music?”

“Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”

“I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”

“Here, you take the remote.” – Submitted by Deanna Schneider

Watch the Wash, Dad… I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating. “Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy. By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!” – Submitted by Paul Diblasi

What a Card! Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.” – Submitted by Terri Cook

Papa Bear My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” – Submitted by Robin Yedlock

Pop Vs. Pup While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” – Submitted by Karla J. Kasper

Paternal Payback On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” – Submitted by Kirsten Wiley

No. 1 on Our List — Literally! My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. – Submitted by Joan Flood

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